Friday, November 03, 2006
Well December 9th is fast approaching (that is CJ's birthday) and I have been so emotional lately and honestly I'm not sure I will stop being so emotional until after I get through March. I don't know why it is hitting me so much harder this year maybe it is all the other stress I have going on in my life now. I read a study the other day on
CNN that says SIDS might be caused by a genetic abnormality. When I first read this I really wasn't sure what to do with it or how to feel about it and I guess I am still trying to process it but I am also trying not to get my hopes up just in case they do a larger study and find out they were wrong.
When I had CJ I was only 17 and he was my second child and several members of my family thought I had smothered him because I was worried that I couldn't take care of two kids own my own and I fought a long hard battle to make everyone see that I didn't do anything wrong but inside I still blame myself to this day even though the autopsy said clearly that there wasn't anything anyone could have done and there was absolutely no sign of fowl play I still feel responsible because I was his mother and I was supposed to take care of him and I failed. It is really hard for me to let go of that blame and my first response to the article was well great I did do this to him and didn't even know it. I want this study to be true so I can finally begin to forgive myself but by the same token I just am not sure I know how to forgive myself because he was right there in my arms that morning why didn't I wake up when he stopped breathing.
I think I need more time on this one.
posted by Trish_momof4 @
3:50 PM
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